Coming soon – books

So where are they then, these books? Is there a bustle on the bookshelf?

Well; the truth is there are issues. Book issues rather than books being issued.

Rottweiler on speed

A title is still undecided and front covers are lacking.

When one peruses the pages of wisdom; the blogs of those that know and the webpages of those that can and have, two things become evident: you need a title that’s the Dog’s Bollox and a front cover that grabs the attention like a Rottweiler on speed sniffing the front of your pants!

Miss, Miss, how many fingers am I holding up?

So here’s the issues:

The title:

I have the sub-title. Everything they don’t tell you in uni about being a primary school teacher. The possibilities for the main title are legion; to many to mention here. My friend Rish, who teaches future primary teachers, ran a few ideas past some of his charges and they went for the infantile: Miss, Miss, Steve’s done a poo! They also liked, Miss, Miss, yer knickers are on fire! And some liked, At the Front of the Class: How to avoid a massacre  My pal Debs likes, Miss, Miss, how many fingers am I holding up? But then there's the issues with copyright.

Whadyerthink?

The front covers:

If you’re an artist/designer/graphic designer/sand artist/piss artist and you feel like drawing a very small drawing of a small boy doing a poo in class, or a St Valentine’s Day Massacre in class……. On you go and send me the results. Clearly you stand to make a small fortune in royalties. Very small. Infinitely small.

a massive feck-off fairytale Hans Christian Anderson of a wedding cake castle in Czech

The other book, Travels in Time also lacks a front cover. I wanted to use one of the Dr Who’s Tardis Van Gogh pictures, but its nightmare trying to track down the owners and ask for permission. Soooooooo…………….. if anyone wants to contribute a lovely paintin’, drawin’, computer generated image of a Time Traveller’s Bike…… or a Tardis with a bike parked outside…… or a massive feck-off fairytale Hans Christian Anderson of a wedding cake castle in Czech with a bike parked outside……. Likewise; on you go….. fame and fortune beckon! Not in this century, but who knows what posterity will bring?

Books, Books, Books.

Mine'll be there soon!

I’ve written some. Well, two; but another one is well on the way – its short stories you see, and I’ve written more than one, so that’s OK then innit! The two that are finished are called……… well; that’s another story, I’m not yet sure what they’re called.

Shall I do the start at the beginning thing; as Plum Wodehouse used to say somewhere around paragraph 2! OK, last summer I went wandering on the bike as I am wont to do of a summer. I did a lot of stuff and had a lot of thoughts. Big stuff, big thoughts. I met my Li’l Bro for the first time in 30+ years and really enjoyed it – of course I got to meet my Sister in Law and my nephew too. Later I met my Big Sis and her enormous family for the first time. Adopted you see; Sis, not me. So you see; pretty big stuff. Two of the thoughts I had were; I must become a Rock and Roll star before it’s too late! And I must start finishing some of the………. Ohhhh, let’s see now………. Lots of books and stories that I’ve got started.

The Rock and Roll thing is another story, but the books thing; I get distracted easy! An idea occurs, I hear a phrase, I see a headline or hear a story in a bar and that’s it! I’m off; tippy tappy on the lappy. The problem is that I don’t finish them. Until now!

Barnsley - jewel of the North

.....and Benidorm, jewel of the Costa Blanca

So here’s what I have; first a little book to help student teachers and Newly Qualified Teachers and simply those who are having a spot of bother. It’s not terribly formal; in fact it’s not formal at all. Some would say it’s downright informal verging on the irreverent. Good; that’s what I was aiming for. Do you need to know about class control? Jobs home and abroad? Good and bad schools? Need jargon decoded; know how to treat colleagues and your back explained? Want to have a laugh while you read - learn thru’ stories and a common sense approach backed by 16 yrs of experience? Want an easy to read, well set out book, with clear titles and easy lists to follow? I’ve worked in UK and abroad, been permanent and on supply, been in big schools, little schools, bilingual schools, multicultural schools and schools with no culture whatsoever. So if you are a student teacher, or an NQT; if you are struggling with your class, or simply wondering whether to go to Barnsley or Benidorm; the answers are here.

Secondly; a book that appears at first glance to be about a journey to a wedding in a castle in Moravia, but is in fact a series of reflections, rhapsodies, rants and raves about just about everything in the universe, all set to a symphony of storms, birdsong and the murmur of the breeze in the trees. Sunsets and sunrises by Manet

Monet...... or is it Manet, what's a vowel between friends?

and Monet abound with the odd Turner at dusk and a dawn Whistler or two. Landcape looms up and passes by, bridges for leaning and shade for lazing. Love affairs are there, both past and present; requited and un. There are three German girls all called Ania; endless stories and jokes pop up on the pages and keep you turning.

The next one, the one that’s well under way, is a series of traveler’s tales. Have you ever been in a car chase with the Polish Police or been arrested by the Secret Police in Crete?

Have you ever hitched a lift in James Bond’s car or shared a room in post-Midnight Express Istanbul with a French cough medicine junkie? I have and I’m going to tell you about it. Have you ever climbed down knotted sheets to escape the night watchman in a Crete hotel – no; neither have I but I know a man who has and I’ll tell you the tale. I’ll tell you about sailing with Dave and all the drinking and the dolphins; the flappy bits and the mappy bits. Meet beauty and the Brickie on the bus and share some Bertie Wooster with me in Eli’s in Huish Episkopi, one of Britain’s most loved pubs. I might even tell you what happened when I was massaging a French girls feet while her Dad snored away in the next room on Christmas Eve – I might………

Come back soon and I’ll maybe tell you about singing with Debs and out best gig ever at the anti-repo demo!